"Freedom, from what?"

I have always wondered what my answer would be. I had begun to run away as an adult. For 2 years I had thought running away from myself would set me free. I had gotten on that airplane to who knows where. And then when I felt that tug the kind that would tell me “hey your feelings are about to re-emerge”. It told me when I needed to go buy a plane ticket. It would always be a one way ticket. 2 years of running from me is harder that I could have imagined. Always came up with an excuse why I had to leave after staying a few weeks here and there. All the lies I had to come up with. The lies started with small ones then it became outrages. I came to Washington thinking ok, this family of mine would be an ok one. Instead of it being an ok one, it became an abusive one. I never thought about it, to come up with a lie and get on an airplane to who knows where. Somehow, this wasn’t the plan I had thought it was supposed to be. Recently, I looked at freedom as a way to be rid of a family that I grew up with that did not love or accept me. Love growing up had become just things that were done to me. Not good things such as nurturing, caring, belonging, it had become a destructive love. I had to close my heart it was more of locking it with a thick chain and padlock that no one could get through. I remember about 2 years ago when people in my life would say “I love you Jessie”. I answered them by saying “Go across the street and yell to me I love you and it will go my hand”. I repeated is so many times. I didn’t understand why people where loving me. Why did I need anyone to love me or why did I need to need anyone? I didn’t need love nor did I need my needs to be met. I eventually accept it but not quite fully. Not completely. A part of my head knew but not my heart, it wasn’t easy because I walked around on this earth thinking I was in a dream. I live in a dream world where everything is not real. Love and all.

In my head I had a thought; I want to be set free from my family. How do I do it? My mind went on a rampage of thoughts. All I wanted to do was I want to get out. I wanted out from this dysfunctional family. I was still in an abusive relationship with my mother. I would forgive my mom and something always happened. I had tried so hard to be a daughter to her, but no such luck. As I recall growing up my parents never told me to my face that they were proud of me. I had become a youth leader at church for a couple of years and there no words that were spoken to me. I had become pathfinder leader even gotten to the highest ranking still no words. Just about a year ago I had gone to see my mother and I finally told her what she was doing to me. It was just what needed to do. On a Wednesday night I went to church when I was in Hawaii. I didn’t realize God had a message for me. The person who had given the sermon that evening was my little cousin. The message was God uses those who are broken or have total brokenness. But it was more of the message I was hearing in my own heart. As my cousin mentioned the story of Job and of Joseph, it hit me hard. It was time to be set free. Free from what? It was my own heart. It was time for me to unlock my heart. To free my heart to let the people in my life into my heart, to come in and be close to me, and to know they love, I never dream it would happen to me. I didn’t pray about this dream world to be free from. I didn’t pray for my heart to be open for anyone.

Let’s take a look at the story of Job. There was a deal that was going on with God and Satan. God told Satan “you can do anything to Job, the only thing you can’t do is take away Job's right to choose”. Satan did everything to the point that Job’s wife did not love him anymore. She wanted him to give in. He was ridiculed, physically torn but Job’s faith in God was very strong. Job never gave up. Even when he was at the lowest, to the point of brokenness, he maintained his strong faithfulness to God.

Joseph a young boy, one of his father’s favorite. If you remember the story, Joseph always went out to the field to go give his brothers food. And what had happened, all but one brother were jealous of him and they sold him to the Egyptians. He then became the right man to the king.

Freedom, what freedom am I reaching for? I ask myself now. Freedom from self, freedom from things that get in the way, freedom is 1st Corinthians 13 verses 1 & 2. It says, “Though I speak with the tongues of men and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal. A though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.” I am nothing if I don’t have love. It says in verse 13, “And now abideth in faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.”
Freedom is charity.